I wrote this post over two months ago. And I hesitated to publish it because it felt really vulnerable. But after a conversation I had last night, I realize how much I need to post this. Besides, the whole point of this blog is to embrace vulnerability and authenticity. So here goes.
Embarrassed of My Body
Growing up, I was the curvy girl with three tiny best friends. I sat back and watched as guy after guy pursued my friends while I, ya know, did my thing over on the side.
When I was in high school, I used to only wear jeans because I was embarrassed of my curvy legs and didn’t want anyone to see me in shorts. I never wore normal swimsuits–especially not a bikini. I wanted to cover myself and cover my flaws.
I worked hard to be thinner, but never succeeded. At eighteen, after a very stressful period in life where it felt like my world spiraled out of control, I developed an eating disorder. I extreme dieted and then binged excessively. I sunk deeper and deeper into this unhealthy pattern. As I did, my feelings of inadequacy only increased and my inner monologue grew crueler.
When Self Hatred Sounds Like Me
I recently watched a video from The Scene where two best friends read their negative self talk to each other. In the video, they say cruel, unkind words to each other and cry. Because now they are saying those same words to their best friend. It’s powerful. And so sad. https://youtu.be/LzT2ZzDXceg
While it’s moving to watch their reactions, I felt deeply saddened that the video ended where it did. They realized the tragedy of their self-talk, but made no efforts to change it.
I related so much with both of the women in this video. I spent years listening to the voices of shame and self-hatred. My inner voice was one of cruelty and derision. No matter what, I could never be good enough. As my disordered eating continued, my sense of shame and unworthiness grew more and more intense.
Through it all, my inner voice mocked and derided me for not being good enough.
Picking a Fight
But over the past six years, I’ve fought to replace the voice of cruelty with the voice of kindness. And when I say fought, I mean fought. I have stood up for myself and defended myself and looked in the mirror and declared kindness over myself and my body. I have stared at my reflections and said over and over and over, “You are beautiful and I believe in you and I love you.”
At first, I felt incredibly foolish. Often, I didn’t believe a word coming out of my mouth. Many times, I tried to speak kindly to myself and I couldn’t. Or I cried.
But I was determined not to let the monster of self-hatred win.
So I kept going.
I spoke kind words to myself. I spoke gently, as if I was speaking to a little child. Over and over and over again. As I did, I found myself growing with empathy towards my heart. Where previously I only knew self-criticism, I now knew self-compassion. I once wanted to punish myself for my imperfections and now I wanted to love me in spite of them.
My words of kindness transformed my relationship with me.
Today, I genuinely love who I am. I love my skin. I love my body. I love my curves and my cellulite and my thighs. I love my flaws, physical and otherwise. I have learned to appreciate my strengths and celebrate my weaknesses. Because all of these imperfections make me me.
And I fought long and hard for this relationship with me.
No Longer Ashamed
Last night, I sat in a group of people where we all shared one thing we like about ourselves. And I answered, “I like my body!” I wasn’t being facetious; I was perfectly honest. For the first time in my life, I’m not wishing I was different or hating who the way I look. I simply love me. And that includes my body.
My friend took this photo of me last summer. I had just jumped into freezing water and I was having a blast. This photo captures how I felt. Happy. Confident. Beautiful. And, honestly, I felt completely comfortable in my own skin that day. Not only was I wearing a bikini, I asked my friend to take a full body photo of me in one. And, now, much to my surprise, I am posting this photo on my blog. Who am I?!
I am finished hiding my imperfections and attempting to project a photoshopped image of myself to the world. I will no longer put stipulations on when or how I can love myself. I am going to love myself today, exactly as I am.
Learning to Love
For years, I believed no one would ever love me unless I was skinny. Not only did this belief keep from receiving love from others, it kept me from receiving love from the person I needed love from most: myself.
The journey of self-love is not easy. Not in a culture that values photoshopped perfection over authenticity and blemishes. And yet, unless we embrace our imperfections, we can never live happy, satisfied, or fully alive. Culture projects shame onto us all day long. But self-love takes courage. It takes tenacity. It takes guts. The journey to self-love requires effort and it requires change.
I decided to stop hating my flaws and to start loving myself exactly as I am. And this decision, is quite possibly, the most courageous decision I’ve ever made.
Now, It’s Your Turn
What would it look like for you to stand up for yourself? To genuinely love yourself in this moment? You won’t undo twenty years of negative self talk in one day, but you can begin planting tiny seeds of courage into the soil of your heart.
You are worth fighting for. You are worth believing in. You are worth loving. Maybe begin with the simplest of words: “I love you.”
You might just change your life.
Katelyn Alexander 