Okay girl, I got some real talk for you today.

But first I’m going to tell you a story about a nineteen year girl riddled with insecurities. And in case you wondering, yes, that girl was me.

Hello, Insecurity

I remember being nineteen and staring at the mirror, resenting the reflection in front of me. I pinched my flab and prodded at my cellulite. Oh and acne? Don’t get me started.

– All of my best friends wore a size 2 with flawless skin and I was a size 12.
– My best friends had men begging for their attention while I sat twiddling my thumbs waiting for someone to notice me.
– They forgot to eat on the regular while I buried my emotions in food—on the surface eating incredibly healthy meals, but bingeing when no one was watching.

While I recognized that I had some unique and interesting talents, my gifts paled in comparison to their strengths.

Addicted to a Losing Game

The Comparison Game exhausted and overwhelmed me, but I was addicted and obsessed. I remember a mentor saying to me at a moment of crushing insecurity, “When you play the Comparison Game, you always lose.”

I recognized to some extent what she was saying. I was, afterall, always losing (can’t you see that literally everyone is better than me?!). But the deeper meaning behind her words didn’t hit me until later: the very act of comparing yourself to someone else is a losing mentality. Whether you “win” or “lose,” you’ve lost simply by playing.

Cause hello?! This is your life and you’re wasting your precious time simply by playing a toxic game.

Comparison kills creativity, steals joy, and ruins friendships. When someone else’s succes equals my failure, I won’t be safe with anyone because I’m competing with everyone. Even my closest friends didn’t feel safe to me. As much as I loved them, I felt unworthy or or “less than” around them; it was all I could do not to resent them for their greatness.

Comparison: The Relationship Saboteur

I hyper-focused on their weaknesses to make myself feel better about my own. As long as I felt like I was “winning” in something, I could maintain my friendships with them. But the moment someone came along who challenged and had qualities I admired, I sabatoged any chance of relationship with them because of my own insecurities.

I made up stories about how they were arrogant or inauthentic or too busy for me or whatever excuse I could come up with to keep them at arm’s length. Their successes challenged my own insecurities and I didn’t want anyone holding a magnifying glass to my flaws. Even if the magnifying glass existed entirely in my mind and the only person looking through it was me.

I rejected people before they could reject me.
In doing so, I missed out on so much joy.

Quit the Comparison Game

In order to live a wholehearted life, we have to stop playing The Comparison Game. The only thing it will do is suck your confidence, suck your self-worth, and suck your happiness. But how do we actually stop playing? If you—like I was—are addicted to The Comparison Game, you’re in the right place.

The first place we gotta start, is by GETTING OFF YOUR DAMN PHONE.

I know it’s really really fun to look at so and so who is killing it with her hot husband and 2.5 children and sexy body while you’re lounging around in sweats, bedhead, and single as can be. Girllll. Looking at her life is not gonna make you feel any better about yours. Besides guaranteed she’s not showing how she just cried all her makeup off because she’s hormonal and her kid threw a temper tantrum in Target and she hasn’t had a full night’s sleep in weeks to anyone. 

Whatever you do, get off Instagram right now and stop looking at everyone else’s lives. Now, look in the mirror. Take a good, hard look at the beautiful, flawed babe in the mirror. She’s got imperfections? You betcha. She’s got flaws? That’s for damn sure. She’s got weaknesses? Hell yes. What else does she have? Strength. Courage. Authenticity. A quirky sense of humor. And so much more.

Celebrate the Person in the Mirror

The next step is called Self-Celebration. You are going to celebrate that babe in the mirror like she is the queen of the world.

You are going to make a list. This is called “I Am A Badass List”. I’ve been doing a version of this for a longtime, but thanks to Jen Gottlieb for making this exercise even better. On this list you are going to write 100, yes you heard me, 100 things that you love about yourself. Love might feel like a stretch. So start with like or admire or think are kinda cute and quirky. This will be insanely uncomfortable in the beginning. That’s fine. Do it anyways. If you can’t get to 100 (because believe me, it’s HARD), get to 10 and keep adding to it every time you think of something.

Now, I want you to read this list. But here’s the key and here’s where Jen Gottlieb’s genius comes in. You can’t just read it like you’re reading a to do list. You have to read this like you’re reading about the ultimate person you admire and are totally and completely jealous of. The person you aspire to be. Read this list about yourself as if you’re reading about your celebrity crush.

It’s time to gush and I mean gush over yourself. Over your quirks and idiosyncrasies and brilliances. You are the only one on this planet with your DNA, with your life experiences, with your personality, with your dreams, and with your heartaches. You are absolutely incredible. And it’s time to celebrate the beauty and wonder that you are.

This life is a gift. You being you is a beautiful gift. So start living like it.