Okayyyy friends. I have an online dating story for you. No, this isn’t the story of the guy who loudly serenaded me while walking around Santa Monica (though that was a hilariously embarrassing time) or the time I hit on tall, dark, handsome and apparently not-into-women musician. Or the time I basically went out with a guy I wrote into a comedy sketch. Legit this man was a doppelgänger for the comedic, awkward character in a novel/sitcom I started writing years earlier. And no. He wasn’t any easier to talk to than the guy from my book.

This, however, is another story. The story of a usually-fairly-bright-girl who responded to a beautiful (albeit boring man) by dumbing down her voice.

Saturdays are for Dating

Awhile ago, I had a random Saturday night open. I work almost every Saturday night so I wanted to make the most of it. But…I still don’t know a ton of people in Portland and I didn’t have any plans. Therefore, I did what any single woman does in this modern age and hopped on Tinder (there’s no way this story can end badly, right?) in the hopes of scoring a date and maybe meeting someone interesting. Oh the blissful naïveté.

Due to the magic of online dating, I managed to book a spontaneous meet up. Only problem (okay, one of many, let’s be real)…this guy wanted to meet in Vancouver—a 30-40 minute drive from me. This is after he had specifically stated he would pick a place in my area or somewhere in the middle. I made a wry joke about it, but he wasn’t taking the hint.

Dancing Around the Truth

So, instead of calling him out on it and straight up asking him find a place closer to me, I found myself wandering down this weird, and I mean weird, rabbit hole. He had made detailed plans (which I love–I hate planning dates), therefore, when my passive aggressive joke didn’t pan out, I was like, “that sounds great.”

Because he had made a great plan.  Except for the fact that it’s in Vancouver. And if a guy makes a plan, a girl should just go along with it, right? And not ask him to do extra work?

But, as soon as I sent that message, I realized that I was being dumb. I really, really really didn’t want to drive to Vancouver. So, instead of communicating this, I started looking for a way out of it.

Next thing I know, I’m asking questions about how public the place was (he wanted to meet on a pier) and whether or not there were lots of people around ’cause “online dating safety”. While I’m all for online dating safety, I wasn’t actually nervous about meeting him at the pier.

I simply didn’t want to drive to Vancouver.

I then backtracked, wondering what the heck I was doing. He assured me there were a lot of people around. But I still didn’t want to drive to Vancouver so I needed another excuse.

So I finally told him I was tired. I had worked all day, was fighting a cold (this part was actually true) and I didn’t feel up for driving to Vancouver.

But since I had gone through an overwhelming amount of inner turmoil dancing around what I wanted to say, I felt guilty asking him to pick a new place. So I finally told him he could meet me at this place I liked or we could raincheck.

In all of this, I was never once fully honest. Nor did I give him a chance to come up with a second option if he wanted to. I just picked something and gave him an ultimatum. Meet here or raincheck.

Therefore, my means of getting what I wanted, completely disempowered both of us and made me come across as needy, unconfident, and entirely unsexy.

Confident and Authentic…Just Kidding.

What I actually wanted to say was this: “Boy, if you want the privilege of taking me out, you gotta find a place and come to me. Not the other way around. Take it or leave it.” Winky face. Walk away. Figuratively speaking.

Confident. Certain. Sure of myself.

Instead, I feigned paranoia and exhaustion and did work I really really didn’t want to do in order to *almost* get what I wanted.

Well, thanks to my pathetic little dance around, he did end up coming to me but wasn’t super happy about it. And I could tell he felt slightly miffed the whole date. And while he really wanted to hook up with me, he really didn’t want to get to know the actual me. #RealWinner #DUHTinder

But, to be honest, from the get-go, I positioned myself as timid, boring, and unsure of myself. Even if this guy had been super quality, I wasn’t exactly acting like a total catch.

Overly Accommodating Kate

Okay weird story, Katelyn. What’s the point?

I dumbed down my voice, shut down my needs, and avoided clear communication to some rando on the internet whom I didn’t care one iota about because…

Literally no reason.

Or wait. Maybe there is a reason.

Maybe it’s because, this is what we, as women, have been taught to do for centuries.

Make yourself accommodating.
Be nice
Play small.
Appear vulnerable.
Go with the flow.
Let others lead.
Don’t be high maintenance.
Always say “yes.”
Make things easier on everyone else.
Don’t be needy.

So instead of simply giving myself permission to communicate my wants, I went back to decades of societal conditioning and awkwardly manipulated my way into getting what I wanted. But it felt far more like a begrudging victory than a triumphant win.

I know I’m not the only one who’s been here either.

TO ALL MY LADIES IN THE HOUSE: we have lost too much time to hiding and playing small. Too much time worrying about other people’s feelings and egos and how we don’t want to come off too strong. Too much time saying “yes” when we really want to say “no.” Too much time pretending instead of living with unfiltered authenticity.

I’M. SO. OVER. IT

What’s Wrong With Being Confident?

In the words of Demi Lovato, “What’s wrong with being confident?” Nothing, my friend. Absolutely nothing.

So consider this your permission slip to stand up for yourself, own your voice, live as a confident badass woman who knows what she wants and communicates what she wants….Demi Lovato style. Because let’s be honest, it’s not fair to your or to anyone else in your life for you to live as a subpar version of yourself. Your confidence actually empowers others around you to rise higher…if you’d just let them.

And maybe sometimes,  a random super-gorgeous-but-super-boring man will show up as a reminder that it’s time to stop being so damn accommodating.

If you want to learn how to live confident, authentic, and unfiltered in every area of your life (unlike me in this story)…join the waiting list for Unfiltered, an application-only eight week coaching course designed to help you do just that.

Photos by Melissa Johnson Photography.